What NOT to say

In the last week I've heard many of the miscarriage cliches. "You can try again" (this one was from my mom), "it's probably for the best", "these things happen, there was probably something wrong anyway" and too many others to recall. In a show of self-restraint, I managed to smile and nod as I walked away from each of these comments.

But there's been one, one message I was sent, that just really took the cake. It managed to a.) take my miscarriage and make it about them while also b.) insulting me and the effort I've put in to finishing grad school. It came from someone who had just announced their pregnancy, they're due three days after I was and it hurt. And it made me angry. Maybe it's just because my hormones are high and my emotions are low. Either way, it's a classic example of what NOT to say.

"I just wanted to say again that I am so sorry about your misscarriage. I feel so selfish posting about myself and everytime I have wanted to post I always think about you. Just wanted to let you know that I still think about you and everytime I think about anything pregnancy related you always come into my mind because that very well could have happened to me (and realistically it still can).

I hope you are doing ok! You are such a strong person and I admire that in you- so much that I am going to grad school because if you can do it, and other people can do it with kids, so can I!"

I was going to point all of that things that I found offensive here but really, I'm just not up to it. Let's just say, that should ever find out that someone you know has had a miscarriage, this is NOT the message to send. It will not fill them with warm fuzzies, it won't even make them a little happy. Instead it will make them angry. It will hurt some. And more than likely, their emotions will take over and they will send you a zinger in return that makes you wish you had never sent the dumb ass message to begin with.